Journal

Watcher's Archive: Not the end. Day 10. July 08

Good morning creatures and critters and everyone else! Remember when I said more than a week ago that I would be free in a week? Well, I lied. That was if everything went according to plan. If you can't guess, nothing went according to plan. We're sooo tired. In our first try we nearly failed every single exam. It was exhausting. Now I only have two more to go and then... to work, I guess. I think I should've gave me a week after the exams to recover before starting our job, but it's too late to take it back now.

I've been feeling like a trapped animal for two weeks now. I only study study study and then I sleep and I study again and I eat and study again. But I'm. Almost. Done. I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer besides working. We have a jacuzzi now in our summer residence, so we won't have to go to the beach to refresh ourselves.

Now that exam season it's almost over, I barely hear Orion and Theo anymore. I know they are there, but Theo dipped and never comes out, Orion only fronts in the mornings and at night. We still talk to eachother wenever we want to, and he's less hostile now that when he first came here. Now he's mostly... trying to keep us alive. I can tell he's tired, and still grieving, but I'm guessing he's more used to everything now. I'm sad that Theo decided to take a step back from the from, but he says that he "prefers to manage everything from the inside", whatever this may mean.

I'm tired of studying. My friends say that I need to take a break, that I can't finish my exams and immediatly start working, but I like working.

I like how things are right now. I wouldn't really change anything.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss (& Orion) (& Theo)

Watcher's Archive: The end? Day 9. June 30

Hello hello creatures and critters and everyone else! It's been more or less a week since I updated this journal, so I'll update it again now. I still haven't finished with my exams, but in a week I'm free! Because of this, I've been trying my hardest to not burn myself out. Aside from studying, I've been playing minecraft (mostly beta) and preparing myself for artfigh, that starts tomorrow! I'm so excited!

In my minecraft beta world I've been making a bridge that will conect a mountain and my lighthouse. It's taking such a long time, but it looks really cool so I like it! Aside from that, collecting wool for the lighthouse is torture. Actually torture. Waiting for the sheep to spawn is not that bad, but I need roses (flower) to dye the wool and I don't have enough! Which means, I have to turn up my difficulty again. Great!/s

On another note, I've been writing again! Hooray! It's been soooo long since I wrote my novel that I had to read it again to remember what was it about! I checked the timeline, and last I updated it was in february. Whoops. All good things, though! I decided that, since the outline of the story (just the dialoges, not descriptions) was so long (600 pages! Woof!) I decided to divide it in three books. So now it's not just The Wild's Legacy; it's The Wild's Legacy, The Wild's Melody, and The Wild's Vengeance. A trilogy! Because of this, I've been having more motivation to write, since the first book is almost halfway.

I've been wanting to go outside for a few days now, to exercise and let my animal side roam. But where I live, we're going through a heat wave, so it's too hot to go outside! I hate summer! A greyhound like me it's supposed to be outside, running and sniffing around, not cooped inside like a house cat (though, I'm also a house cat). This summer is going to be absolute hell.

Life's a bit boring on exam season, honestly. I'm back to my parents house, and I miss my flatmates and my friends. I miss having my own space. I'm sad because I can't be myself in my own house. I'm not closeted around my parents, but they still use my deadname and old pronouns because they don't like that I'm trans. I have to hide away my collar and my toys to be "normal" around them. I hate it.

I'm a bit more stable, plural wise. Orion and Theo are around, but Theo doesn't front anymore, or he fronts for small periods of time. Orion hasn't been worried so I guess it's normal? Theo mostly stays inside, and Orion and I switch whenever we need to switch. Orion usually fronts at night or to force me to eat and take care of myself, which is pretty great. I'm a bit guilty sometimes, because some days we don't switch at all, which makes me think I'm faking all this, and the next we switch four times in an hour.

It's... suprisingly normal, being plural. Orion is frustrated because he can't be himself when he fronts, he has to use my name and pretend to be me, but for now we've agreed that this is the best option for us until... Well, until we find a solution.

For now, life is good. Which is what we wanted, really. That's it for now.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss (& Orion) (& Theo)

Watcher's Archive: Sunny Days Ahead. Day 8. June 23

It's been... A long time since any of us has written entries in this journal. I apologize for it, as it was not our intention. Since the exams it's all been a bit of a haze, even more when facing things such as plurality and memory issues. The first exams didn't go well. Figuring things up, wrapping up projects and presentations and personal things has been difficult to say the least, and took priority over studying. This is Orion writing this, by the way.

Moss was right, I was angry at them. Not anymore. I was hurt from my own memories, confused, and grieving. It wasn't right to take it out on him, though.

In our personal lives, we've been keeping appearances. No-one knows anything, and hopefully, no-one will ever know. For now, only one person knows (flatmate), but that's it. I won't make a big deal out of it, because hopefully it will go away soon enough. Although from what other community systems tell us, this doesn't seem very likely. From what I understand, once you're plural, there's no going back. That's terrifying, but from what I understand, a headmate can't simply disappear: They can go dormant or sink to the depths of the mind, but they can't leave. We split a new headmate a month ago, a seven or nine year old child named Theo, but he almost never fronts, just stays inside. He's a good kid.

As for being an alterhuman, nothing has changed. We all have the same kins we've always had. We've been wanting to write more pieces as soon as we have free time, jotting down ideas in a list for later. The idea is to create an archive of completed pieces, organized by category.

We'll work again this summer, so that's great. We have a lot of activities planned out with friends, maybe an occasional trip. We'll see, we've basically been locked up inside since may. I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting to write something else down here, but that'll be it for now.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Orion (& Moss) (& Theo)

Watcher's Archive: The Studies (Part 2). Day 7. May 07

Long time no see, creatures and critters and everyone else!

I've been crazy busy lately so I wasn't been able to write here. I've had my days full of proyects, exams, homework and lots and lots of classes so I wasn't able to do anything but that. Presenting final proyects is exhausting, and I'm a bit sick of it. Luckily I'll wrap it all up in a few days, and then to the study hell I go. I'm so behind on basically studying everything, even though I've tried my best to do everything day by day. It's been rough but brighter days are up uhead for when in a few weeks I will be finally free.

Not gonna lie, I'm tired. I want to do so many thisngs and work on so many personal proyects, but I'll have to hold them on pause for now. So I can't enjoy anything. And that sucks. At least the weather has been nicer. The days are sunny and bright.

I've been documenting possible switches and plural experiences for the past... two weeks. Just... paying attention to what I can feel and being more aware at what thoughts are "mine" and what are not mine. I'll try my best to write here what I've found. For now, from what I've gathered, the creature's name is Orion. I already knew that. He's a watcher and a velociraptor. He's got a bit of a temper: He's less impulsive than I am, but he's bitter and angry at everything. He snaps often at me and at anyone else if he switches. The switches are also involuntary. Very, very involuntary. Which sucks. They happen more frequently than I would have initially thought, and more than what I would like. Basically, ever since I understood that he was his own person, and discovered that I'm plural, he's been more vocal than ever. I think the reason why he wasn't before is because it was trying very, very hard to hide from me. For some reason. And now that he doesn't have to hide anymore, he's pissed.

It's not exactly angry at me, I don't think. He's angry at his situation, and so his emotion has been bleeding out to me. Imagine having a minor deity complaining in your head 24/7 because he doesn't have wings and he can't fly. I get it buddy, I'm angry at that too, but I'm not pestering someone for that. Anyways. Something that I've noticed is that he's awake very little during the day, or in general. I don't know what he does at night, because our inner world is not fully formed yet and I can't usually find him there. I know the body sleeps. He wakes up around 10-12, long after I usually wake up. So I'm usually "alone" in the mornings. I don't know exactly how it works but it does.

When I sense that he's awake or there, or around, he will usually just be watching from inside or co-con. Sometimes he will step in, but not usually for long periods at a time, and mostly if I'm too stressed or tired to work. Sometimes it's around when I'm with other people, and I'm absolutely terrified that someone will find out about him. Because if he's mean to me, god knows he will be mean to the people I know too.

It's been hard to get him to cooperate. I don't know what it likes to eat, what it likes to do, besides reading and writing. He doen't like to draw, and because he's so wary about me he won't share anything with me. It likes no-one. He's not always angry, he's happy to help me with some stuff or step in if I need it (he's protective, he cares about me in a very weird way), but about anyone else? It's a hermit. It's mean. I get it, it's a critter, and internally I can see it yet but I can "hear" it and its voice is not human. But I'm not human too. I get it.

I don't know if he'll eventually trust me enough with anything. He knows I know some of his memories (because it's also my mind, so I've found some of them), and he's pissed mostly because of that. We'll have to wait and see for now. At least, I'm glad he has company now. Even if he doesn't like me yet.

That will be all for today.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss (& Orion)

Good morning creatures and critters and everything in between.

Yesterday was a bit of a crazy day. It started off as usual: I woke up and showered and ate breakfast. Normal stuff. Orion was closer than yesterday, so I managed to get a bit more information on him, that I won't share here because of its privacy. The only thing I'll disclose is that it's definetly real. So that's something cool. A bit worrying, but cool. I'm making some kind of sheet so that I can document swiftings and shiftings in a diary.

I went to class as usual but after a few hours the power went out at the faculty, and we were left in the dark. At first, we thought it was a normal blackout, but we were told to act normal and continue with classes. Little by little, the information started to trickle in: It wasn't just at our faculty, it was nationwide. Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to go home until after school, so I had no way to communicate with my roommates or family or find out if they were okay.

Classes ended, and I went straight home: The shops and supermarkets were closed, and people were using their phones to read something on their screens. When I arrived, I was alone. I admit I panicked a little, and Orion had to take over.

Finally, my roommates arrived, and we took stock of the situation: We took food out of the refrigerator and make a balance on what we had. It wasn't much, because we hadn't gone shopping yet. We managed to organize everything and buy candles, since we had no electricity. We barely had any cash either, which was a problem.

After eating leftovers and cold food, we went on with our days, studying or working on projects as usual, but the power was fading fast. After dinner, we played board games by candlelight and went out to look at the stars. It was stressful. I was really really scared.

I have to buy emergecy things in case this happens again.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss (& Orion)

Good morning creatures and critters and everything in between.

Yesterday night I had a lot of trouble sleeping, my new medication started working really late at night and I had trouble falling sleep. It was a slow morning, I woke up really late and I basically merged together breakfast at lunch. So not a really great way to start the day. I feel much, much better. Because the pasta I made for dinner was still there, today we didn't had to cook to eat! So yay! That's cool!

Today I (finally) took my time of the day to start studying. I finished one project, and I'm almost finishing another one. I don't know why I have so many projects and they still expect me to study and read all texts. It's super annoying. And then I studied a bit of SS. A full block, which isn't much but at least it's something. It's better than nothing. I also turned in a proyect! So that's great! We stay positive!

I didn't go outside today and that shows. In my defense, I'm still sick and I don't want to get worse. Today was a pretty watcher day. I didn't feel feral at all. Speaking of watchers...

The possibility that Orion might be real it's more and more likely. I don't think it has fully formed yet, but it's definetly someone else. Its own person with its own thoughts and ideas, its own history. The weirdest part is, I didn't created it. It just appeared one day and hid from me. Like me, he's a watcher, but I think his wings are different from mine. His physical body looks more human than mine, but I can't recall any details since I haven't found him inside yet. I'll have to wait 'til it appears, I should leave it a note.

I think that's everything for today.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss (& Orion)

Good evening creatures and critters and everything in between.

I have been very anxious and tired lately. I've been sick, too, with an illness that doesn't feel like a cold, flu or infection. Yesterday we went to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning because I was coughing so much that I started spitting up blood. Very scary. Luckily I'm fine, it's just a virus that makes a lot of mucus concentrate in your throat and makes it hard to breathe. They gave me some medication and I'm a little better now.

I have a lot to study and work these last few days. My final proyects are due in a few days and while yeah, most of them are done, I have two that I'm a little behind with. I have to work, but at the same time I'm so tired that I just want all of this exam season to be over. I'm also behind on studying, and I don't know what to do about it.

I've been eating a bit less to. I get all of my veggies and meats, but the truth is that I'm not hungry anymore and I can't bring myself to eat too much in one sitting. It's disheartaning, but it is what it is.

Me and my roommate went to see star wars at the theater. Although I haven't seen any of the movies, since it was a re-release of an old movie (episode III), I was able to understand most of the context on my own. It was really nice, and I had a lot of fun. I loved how the movie was able to grasp my attention the whole time, and it was really really well written and made, despite being old. Then we went to Mcdonalds and I got a minecraft toy.

On a more nonhuman note, I'll say that I've been pretty satisfied with my animal side. It was funny, the other day I hissed at one classmate because she sneaked behind me and scared the shit out of me. She asked like "what was that". And I said "lol, idk". Fun. I just want to finish my work so I can go outside more, the weather's been much nicer lately and I want to feel the sunlight in my wings. Speaking on wings, I need to preen them, It's been weeks and I can feel them so dirty in my back. I usually get them out in the shower so that I can rearrange the feathers, but I'm so tired that I can't bring myself to shower. I've been irrationally anxious to do so, and I don't know why.

Speaking of! Something alterhuman related. Or something. I mayyyybe am plural. Not a system, just plural. I know, I know, sounds weird, but just let me explain. I was scrolling tumblr and I saw a post from @spud-sys that said that it would be benefitial for nonhumans with many types to research plurality. I don't think that all my 'types are alters or whatever, because I'm aware that I'm just that species. I am a dog, a winged cat, a deer, a hare. But my watcher identity is different, because sometimes its like it has a mind on its own. Like, yeah, I have a watchers body, but every time I get a watcher shift is different from my other types' sfifts. It's like I'm not really there, like I'm away from my body and I'm not really in control.

And it has... thoughts on its own. My guess its that its not really fully formed/fleshed out or something, because sometimes I can feel it and sometimes I don't. I know its name, it's Orion. None of my other types' have names, and I for a long time I didn't know why my watcher's kintype had one. I'm still questioning, of course, but it makes sense, I don't how else could I describe it. It being someone else makes sense. The signs are there: It's a "species" or "identity" with its own name. It has its own memories, I have memories from the Archives, but they are not really my own. They are not from a past life, even though before I thought they were, because it doesn't feel right. Even though I have a watcher body, my watcher "mindset" fades in and out, like my thoughts change. I don't really remember a lot from my watcher shifts, and I don't think like myself even when I'm aware they are happening.

Every time I get a watcher mental shift, it's almost like I'm not really in control. Like I'm yanked back into a backseat. And I can more or less remember what happens when on a watcher mental shift, but those memories evaporate not long after, and they are more blurry. Unless I'm really stressed; if I'm really stressed or scared I won't remember it. Like, I can remember them right after, but not later. And my thoughts are... different. Normally, my thoughts are chaotic, inter-whined, really fast and energetic. But when I get a watcher shift I'm more... calm, reflective, almost.

I don't really know what to make of all of this. I'll have to wait to get a watcher mental shift, or maybe try meditation to "search" for someone in there. My guess is, because it doesn't front as often (only a couple of times a month, if I'm lucky), I'll have to search for it inside. So meditation it is. I'll have to research this. Right now this is watcher writing this.

PS: I think the very first post of this journal was written by Orion. It doesn't look like the way I write, anyways.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss

Good morning creatures and critters and everything in between.

Yesterday I was not able to write an entry because I had to take the train to go to a nearby city to have an outing with some friends. It was much more fun than I thpught it would be, because I had not seen them in forever, since they were off for two months for practices. Meanwhile, I was stuck at home studying. What a day! It rained all day, because of course it did, and it never stopped raining for one second. Because of that, we went from store to store not buying anything, just keeping us safe from the rain. As a cat, I hate that! I've never in my life been an aquatic animal, I hate water and I hate being wet because my wings get heavy and soaked with water and I hate it, sensory wise.

Luckily, we weren't in the rain for long. We went from the train station to the mall, and once there, we went shopping! I got myself some new shirts and a pair of pants, which was nice. We also went to a really expensive bookstore, but I didn't buy anything from there. They were selling paper for twelve euros! Outrageous. I tried looking for something a little more non-human, some subtle gear to wear besides my collar, but I didn't find anything. Terrible.

We also ate burgers and fries. Thank the gods for that. They were good. I was very, very lucky that I decided to bring an umbrella with me, otherwise I would be fucked. It rained a lot. Overall it was a really fun day. At night I watched some Doctor Who with my sibling. I love that series. I've been invastigating a bit about the Time Lords and it seems as they have a lot in common with watchers! I'll explain that in a later post, since right now I can't write a lot. I have to go take a shower.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss

Good day creatures and critters, and everything in between.

Today I slept in a little. I was dead tired yesterday because I stayed up reading and watching a movie, one that I didn't even finished. Today the weather seems kinder than other days, because it's not raining. It's still very cold though. I like cold days, don't get me wrong, but the weather has been very unpredictable lately, and that's something I don't like. Not to blame humans, since a change in temperatures was bound to happen sooner or later, but climate change is an issue that should be addressed more and better, in my opinion.

Aside from this entrie, I won't work on my website today. I need to focus on my studies, as I'm a little behind on some subjects. I'm worried about one of my university projects. Even though I've already completed the interview and divided the project into different sections, I've barely written any content yet. Yesterday, I did some research on municipal data for the city council, which is a step in the right direction, but there's still a lot to do. So much to do, and so little time!

On a more nonhuman note, today is a dog day. Dog days are my favorite, as I have a little more energy in my body than usual. Dog days also lead me to go out more and to consider my body's and mind's needs to be sociable and get outside. However, despite being more of a dog today than other days, I feel strangely... tired. And a little worried, too. I'll try to subside those thoughts throughout the day, but unfortunately, we greyhounds are very anxious, and it's something that can't be avoided.

I will try my best to meet my goals today despite my tiredness. Because I am a dog.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Moss

Hello creatures and critters and everything in between.

Today the day started well, I woke up early today, which is rare for me since I usually like to sleep very late. These last few days it has been raining non-stop where I live, something I don't like very much since for once I have the time to go out and I can't. However, it's been a pretty productive few days work-wise, which I'm relieved about. Yesterday I was studying all afternoon, so today I have been taking a little break from my studies. I've been working on my website, this little corner of the internet that is mine and nobody else's.

Making a web page is much more fun and easy than I thought it would be. Yes, a lot of it is code, but if the web page is only going to have text, like mine... Then this is more than enough. It feels good to create something and see it work. Unfortunately, it's been taking up my study time, but as I said before, I needed a break.

I will try to be clear and direct with my feelings for once in my life. This website is giving me the freedom to customize my experience to the maximum, something I plan to take advantage of. So I don't care what others say. No, I am not human. Yes, that's how it's going to be. I like who I am, and nothing and no one will change that about me. These past few days my jackrabbit heart has been beating non-stop, in an almost constant shift with nervousness and anxiety. I've been biting my lips so much I have little cracks on them. However, today I woke up with antlers on top of my head, floppy ears on both sides of my skull. Today is a day of reflection, a day to take it a little easier. Deer day.

I like to think that my days are defined by what kintype I feel closest to in the moment. The days when I feel more like a cat I am curious and somewhat lazy, the days when the canine mind is stronger I need to run and jump, the days when I am a watcher are days of study and reflection, the jackrabbit days are more nervous and unrestrained, the deer days are quieter....

Having multiple species is strange. I don't like to compare it to the experiences of plural creatures, because I'm not plural, but that's the way it is. Today is a deer day. And what does a deer day entail? It involves having an antler on my head all day. It involves being quiet, calm. It involves liking vegetables more than other days (I'm a carnivorous creature at heart, I love meat).

Changing the subject slightly, I wish that being a creature would help me get closer to people. Help me get out more. It's been raining non-stop these days, which makes it hard for me to go outside and get some air. I have been studying very hard, but I have to get on with finishing the projects that have a few finishing touches left to be ready. And study. Study so hard.

I like to study, and at the same time I hate it. Being a watcher, in that respect, helps. Watchers are not social creatures, but they are scholars, they are very studious. Their life depends on studying and storing information about the servers and worlds they visit. I miss the Archives. They were huge libraries, meant to store and classify information. If I needed something from a world, I could go there and take a look. And everything was so well organized... Nowadays I try to keep my own Archives, but it's not the same. In the age of technology, archives like ours are scarce. They are inefficient, my superiors would say. Well, they are no longer here.

I miss... I miss hiding among the bookshelves in my first days of my stay. It drove my mentors crazy, but it was wonderful. The first few days in the tower were painful, as I was growing wings and my body was still adjusting to its new biology, but the promises they made to me when it was all over were worth it. Yes, it hurt like hell. And they changed my body. But it was for the better. And when the pain finally went away? The flying lessons with ---------, learning to read Galactic and Cosmic, learning to create my own worlds and destroy them, learning code and life and love. They didn't like it when I ran away, but I had no choice.

I think that's enough for today. Didn't mean to get all sappy. The past should remain in the past. I have my own future to look up to, so I should take advantage of what I have learned in the past so as not to repeat it in the future. I am strong, I am brave, I am smart. They couldn't take any of that away from me. I built that, I built myself. I survived it all, and I'm still here. The change is within us. No one can take that away from us.

Bark, hiss, bite, run.

You are strong, you are brave, you are great. You are you.

Signed,

-Orion